CHAPTER 62: Looking Forward to New Beginnings

I had a few days of rest at home, coinciding with the beginning of the sacred month of Ramadan. This year, I had the rare privilege of being able to observe the full month of fasting and then celebrate Raya with my family, without being confined to the Asrama. The overlap of Ramadan and the year-end school holidays spared me the often-challenging experience of fasting within the institutional walls. At home, fasting unfolded as a peaceful and graceful affair, blending seamlessly with the holiday atmosphere.

It was during Ramadan, a sacred time, that I began my registration as a Form 1 Asrama student. The memory of that moment stayed with me, as it marked a significant milestone in my life. To break my fast as a new Asrama student on that first evening required a considerable amount of courage. Fasting during Ramadan while starting a new and challenging chapter was a test of unwavering resilience.

During Ramadan, my daily routine saw subtle adjustments. In the early morning, my mother would wake me up to have sahur with the family. The joy of having sahur every morning during Ramadan with my dear family was a pleasure I had not fully appreciated before. Only in later years would I fully grasp the value of this experience and how elusive it would become in future Ramadans.

Despite the challenges, fasting, the iftar meal, and the nightly tarawih prayers proceeded without major difficulties. In the comfort of my family home, my soul found peace, and thoughts of the Asrama took a back seat. As I had mentioned earlier, this year seemed to conclude without much significant impact.

The year appeared to have flown by, leaving a minimal mark on my life. Countless events had occurred, many of which would fade into the depths of forgetfulness due to their insignificance. In an ideal world, I would gladly forget all that did not bring me joy and instead focus on the opportunities the approaching year held for me.

The next year would mark the beginning of the final phase of my academic journey—an important juncture. It would signal the end of a decade wearing the school uniform and the conclusion of my eventful Asrama life.

This realization struck me with sudden clarity, unsettling my thoughts. The Asrama had played a significant role in my life for a long time, and now it was coming to an end. Only a year remained until my graduation, and it was almost certain that I would not return. This marked a significant change in the fabric of my life, one that required a dignified farewell.

Yet, an unease lingered. I was anxious about the uncertain path of my future academic pursuits. Understanding my lack of exceptional talent, I knew the challenges of achieving outstanding results in the upcoming exams were daunting. I pledged to dive into every subject, avoiding distractions, and aiming for the pinnacle of academic excellence. The thought of failure was unacceptable.

In pursuit of a successful future, I meticulously planned my approach for the coming year. Academics would be my sole focus, a return to the mindset I had embraced during the PMR examination in Form 3. Distractions would be eliminated, and the pursuit of excellence would be unwaveringly followed.

As the year began, my unwavering commitment was bolstered by self-reflection. I recognized that my study habits needed improvement. Past lapses in thorough revision and wasting time on unproductive activities had left gaps in my understanding, particularly in subjects like History and Biology.

I was resolute in my determination to rectify my approach and work ethic, even if it meant distancing myself from friends who had chosen the more conventional path of pursuing SPM in SBP or MRSM. Their absence may have bothered me momentarily, but the importance of my mission far outweighed momentary discomfort.

Despite my concerns, I remained steadfast in my pursuit of excellence, undeterred by the uncertainties. My determined resolve had the potential to yield significant rewards in the academic realm, and I was ready to see it through.

This year had its share of challenges stemming from my involvement in Asrama life. At times, I tried to control matters beyond my influence, hoping to shape their outcomes according to my wishes. When these outcomes didn't align with my desires, anxiety became an unwanted companion.

However, as the calendar turned, my resolve to ensure academic success solidified. I made an effort to minimize my involvement in Asrama, pushing it to the periphery of my life. My primary concern was my own well-being, and I was determined to craft a destiny free from unnecessary distractions.

The approaching end of the year marked the impending grand SPM examination, a mix of anxiety and anticipation. I was eager to see the shape of my future. As the days approached for my return to Asrama, my excitement grew, driven by the anticipation of executing my well-planned strategies.

The challenges posed by the evolving Asrama environment did not affect my determination. A smaller group of junior Form 3 students was expected to move on to Form 4, resulting in fewer juniors in Forms 1 and 2. My interaction with these new students would be minimal, a situation conducive to my undistracted pursuits.

While the intricacies of Asrama life might trouble others, for me, they represented a canvas on which I would paint the strokes of my destiny. My firm mission was to showcase that excellence could thrive even in the most overlooked of locations, demonstrating the worthiness of my choice of Asrama.

In my story, the changes brought by seniority held a unique aspect. As a member of the upper ranks, I witnessed a time when my batch held a dominant position. We had ascended to a seniority free from the tormenting shadows of the preceding batches. We rejoiced in this, thankful for the respite from the traditional challenges faced by junior students.

However, in the coming year, the mantle of seniority would envelop me further. It would be my final year as an Asrama student, concluding a four-year journey. This realization, tinged with trepidation, gave me pause.

Unlike many who relished the rise to seniority, I was not enticed by the allure of power over juniors. The vengeful cycles that characterized senior-junior dynamics did not concern me. I harbored no grudges from my early days in Asrama, as my journey had been free from their malice.

Indeed, the difficulties of Asrama life—endless chaos and torment—had not arisen from peers but from the challenges of the environment itself. The trials endured during Forms 1 and 2 were etched in memory as a period of profound suffering unrelated to the actions of seniors. This phase, marked by endurance, had left me eager to move on from it.

Nonetheless, the emergence of an empowered Form 5 senior class presented an intriguing prospect. I contemplated this shift with a mixture of curiosity and indifference, as I was firmly focused on my pursuit of academic excellence.

As my journey through the labyrinth of Asrama continued, its complexity grew. My focus expanded beyond academics to encompass the broader panorama of life's challenges. The year-end break was coming to an end, and the return to Asrama awaited.

As the days passed, my anticipation of new beginnings intensified. I longed to put my carefully laid plans into action, keeping my eyes firmly fixed on the horizon of academic success. It was essential to validate the purpose of my time in Asrama, showing that the less-traveled path held its own treasures.

In the end, I gained the profound wisdom that life's challenges were unique opportunities, each offering its own lessons. I pledged to embrace these trials, remaining a humble servant of Allah, steadfast and content in His divine plan. Patience, the most important virtue, would be my possession, for wisdom would be revealed in due time. Thus, I would patiently await the unveiling of that precious wisdom.

In a peculiar twist of fate, my desire for an ostensibly easier path was effortlessly and gracefully thwarted by Allah. I grappled with acceptance, understanding that life's relentless march could not be halted by my regrets. Moments of remorse, though a reflection of my humanity, served as poignant reminders of my imperfection.

As the new year approached, the Asrama atmosphere braced for change. The junior Form 3 cohort, transitioning to Form 4, would be significantly reduced. Only a few would choose to remain within Asrama's confines, promising a different atmosphere. Even though I would continue to reside there, the environment, I sensed, would be noticeably different. However, this did not pique my enthusiasm.

As I mentioned, my sole focus was on my life's direction. My unwavering concentration on the impending academic challenges demanded my full attention. The challenges brought about by the changing Asrama landscape were of little concern to me. The experiences of Forms 1 and 2, filled with trials, had faded into the background due to my unwavering dedication to academic achievement. Significant events of that period held little relevance to my present, as the hardships I had faced were unrelated to senior-junior dynamics.

Indeed, my companionship with the oldest Form 4 students had prevented any lasting conflicts or grudges. I approached the upcoming chapter in Asrama life with equanimity, fully aware of its tangential relevance to my academic aspirations.

These were my thoughts as I welcomed the new year, determined to transcend academic boundaries. Amidst the winds of change, I aimed to steer a steady course, shaping my destiny with unwavering determination. My unique Asrama experience would serve as a valuable lesson, demonstrating the resilience that could thrive even in the most unassuming of environments.

CHAPTER 61: Reflecting on the Past

For four long years, my time in the Asrama brought about numerous changes. It was a life far from the comforts of home, a divergence I hadn't anticipated. Here, I had the responsibility for my choices thrust upon my young shoulders, a significant burden. I often wondered if it was appropriate for an adolescent to navigate critical junctures without the guidance of family.

My decision to continue my education in the Asrama was influenced more by my success in the UPSR exams than I'd like to admit. Hailing from a rural background, I took great pride in achieving highest scores in academic tests. During that time, mental sharpness, unwavering diligence, and determined perseverance were the only means to academic success. Fortunately, I found myself excelling in these areas.

To my surprise, I emerged as a top performer in the UPSR exams. Unfortunately, I hadn't reached such heights within my school. During that period, my focus shifted from academics to more immature pursuits like joyriding on motorcycles, fishing, and swimming in the river. My textbooks collected dust as I wasted precious time on frivolous activities.

However, amidst this general laziness, there was one exception - my proficiency in Mathematics. I cannot explain how I possessed such an extraordinary talent, but I was unequivocally the best in this subject, reaching the pinnacle of my school's math ranks. Regardless of the complexity of mathematical problems, I could solve them with ease. Achieving perfection in this discipline was not uncommon for me, with only occasional lapses in attention causing me to miss a point or two. My math skills set me apart academically, despite my average performance in other subjects.

So, when a teacher informed me that I had received straight A's in the UPSR exams, I was dumbfounded. The revelation left me completely astonished because I had never aspired to such academic heights. How a student who wasn't among the top ten could be counted among the top seven achievers was a mystery to me. Nevertheless, I felt elated and grateful for this unexpected blessing.

It was from this elevated position that I saw a divine sign, guiding me toward life in the Asrama. After this unforeseen triumph, I began to perceive a subtle design crafted by destiny. It seemed that my path had been set from the beginning, destined to spend my adolescent years within the Asrama's walls.

My time in this place was not always filled with joy or beauty. My fellow students and I, with no older peers to torment us, were spared the troubles that often came with senior students. In the Asrama, seniors were usually feared, as their apparent maturity often concealed their inclination to bully juniors. Their absence gave my friends and me the chance to enjoy our teenage years without their shadow.

However, divine retribution took the form of Encik Hussin, our warden - a terrifying figure whose exploits I've recounted in previous chapters. Just remembering his name sent shivers down my spine, like an electric shock to a Parkinson's patient.

During those formative years, Encik Hussin's presence was oppressive. I often contemplated the cruel hand of fate that had placed me under his care as a young student. His influence was like that of fifty senior students, and even now, his demeanour continues to bother me.

Life under his authoritarian rule was almost unbearable at the tender ages of thirteen and fourteen. I regretted accepting the Asrama's offer despite my mother's advice. Fortunately, I was not alone in my suffering, as my fellow students shared the burden of dealing with Encik Hussin's strict discipline. The impending freedom that came with the end of Form 2 was a welcome relief. I prayed that I would never have to encounter anyone like Encik Hussin again. The ordeals of those two preceding years were etched in my memory.

Continuing in the Asrama with Encik Hussin as our warden until the end of Form 5 would have been a disaster. Parting ways in Form 4 became the only choice. Subjecting ourselves to two more years of his strict rule would have been a mistake I'd always regret. Fate, however, had other plans and saw fit to bid farewell to Encik Hussin.

His absence during Form 3 was a tremendous blessing, allowing me to mature as an adolescent. It was as if a veil had been lifted, revealing a path to happiness that had been obscured before. Life in the Asrama took on a smoother and more pleasant trajectory.

Form 3 was a time of enrichment in my life. The atmosphere was filled with positivity, especially in academics. During this period, I reached the pinnacle of academic achievement.

This was a stark contrast to the previous year when academics were not a priority. My newfound dedication to academic excellence marked a significant shift. I embraced a commitment to excellence that pushed all other concerns to the sidelines.

Form 3 emerged as a peak in my life. Without Encik Hussin, my academic pursuits flourished, making the Asrama environment more enjoyable. I grew fond of the charm of the Asrama.

Looking back, my memories of life in the Asrama have a rosy tint. A place once filled with boredom and despair now appears in my mind as an enchanting European botanical garden, a testament to Allah's benevolence. The challenges of the first two years were the crucible in which my subsequent excellence was forged.

As Form 3 came to an end, I achieved another significant milestone, one that filled me with gratitude. This time, the pursuit of excellence was not a capricious whim but a goal pursued with unwavering determination and single-minded focus. I channeled all my energy and abilities into this singular ambition.

Allah, in His boundless benevolence, answered my fervent prayers. The countless requests I had made to Him were finally granted, a testament to His love for a humble supplicant who dared to dream big. The trials I had endured with a heart free of bitterness had found their worth, epitomized by the excellence I had achieved.

Yet, amidst the joy of my achievement, there was a note of disappointment. My dream of enrolling in a prestigious MRSM school was shattered by divine decree. Despite meeting all the requirements, an acceptance letter from SBP, which was a technicality I hadn't considered, left me disheartened and empty. I questioned the ups and downs of life, overwhelmed by sadness and regret. My sorrow and frustration prevented me from seeing the profound reality of Allah's divine plan.

It wasn't until Form 4, which is drawing to a close, that I found solace in my beliefs. Emotions, turbulent and confusing, surrounded me as my peers pursued various paths to academic success while I remained in the Asrama, grappling with existential questions.

During this time, few notable incidents stood out in my Asrama life. Periods of unexplained unease occasionally overcame me, clouding my judgment and obscuring my priorities. As a maturing adolescent in the Asrama, I surrendered myself to Allah's guidance and mercy, recognizing the wisdom hidden in this unique crucible.

So, I present this concise account of my four-year Asrama journey. I encountered various individuals, some of whom left lasting impressions, while others passed by without forming a connection. Unfortunately, my ego often hindered me from forming lasting bonds, a testament to my excessive pride at the time.

In my pursuit of the best, I knew that Allah was the ultimate arbiter of outcomes. Gradually, I resolved to adopt a more accepting attitude toward life in the Asrama, diligently seeking to uncover its hidden beauty. The Asrama surely held unique treasures, and it was up to me to discover them if I had the determination to do so.

During the year-end break, I reorganized my life, fully aware of the upcoming challenges in the coming year. A significant trial awaited me—the SPM examination, scheduled for the year's end. Regardless of my state of preparedness, the inevitable moment was approaching. It marked the culmination of three crucial exams, with the previous two marked by remarkable success. Expectations, especially those of my family, were high as they anticipated a repeat of academic excellence.

Without much introspection, I solemnly resolved to dedicate myself entirely to academics in the coming year. The Asrama environment in Form 4 had not been conducive to other pursuits, making academic excellence my most reliable ally. I passionately aspired to excel, knowing that the path ahead would be challenging and demanding. Nevertheless, my determination remained unshaken, and my hope continued to burn brightly.

As I grappled with the impending SPM examination, anxiety and stress coursed through my veins. This exam represented the culmination of the previous two trials. Having established myself as a top performer in the UPSR and PMR exams, expectations, especially from my family, had reached new heights.

Aware of the arduous journey ahead, I resolved to transform into a dedicated student, with the firm belief that the upcoming year would witness my remarkable change. The Asrama, which had failed to reveal its full splendor, would now become the crucible of my destiny, where I would carve my path to academic excellence.

In the end, I remembered that destiny's design remained a mystery, a tapestry yet to be unfolded in the winding corridors of the Asrama.

CHAPTER 60: The Long-Awaited Conclusion

As the school year approached its end, the PMR examinations followed their scheduled dates. For those in Form 4, there was a one-week break granted, but we couldn't go home during the PMR period unless it was a semester break on the calendar.

However, a determined group of students managed to persuade the Asrama authorities to allow a short break during the PMR season. Their plea was heartfelt, with the intention of maintaining a quiet environment for our Form 3 juniors who were facing the challenging PMR exams. We wanted them to have an undisturbed setting to strive for excellence.

Finally, I found myself heading home, filled with euphoria. In the midst of mental exhaustion, I sought comfort in the familiar embrace of home. Engaging in lively conversations with my parents during this break offered a sense of peace that had eluded me for some time. The sanctuary of home, even if only briefly, allowed me to escape the sombre atmosphere of the Asrama.

However, my family remained unaware of my unique experiences, as I had never discussed my life at the Asrama with them. Since I started in Form 1, I had kept the details of my Asrama journey hidden from them. My mother, in particular, was perplexed by my silence, which often vexed her.

Instead, our conversations revolved around family matters and the happenings in our neighbourhood, a constant source of anecdotes. Even though my life was entwined with these narratives, the essence of home resonated more profoundly during this break.

As the PMR exams approached their conclusion, I eagerly anticipated the year-end break. Once the exams were over, I lost interest in the daily affairs of the Asrama, focusing solely on counting down the days until I could return home. I existed in a peculiar state, a mental space I had carefully constructed, impervious to the external world.

The final exams, which passed swiftly, yielded commendable results despite the mental and emotional pressures. Amidst the whirlwind of stress, I clung to the principle of unwavering academic diligence, understanding that success in academics was a solitary pursuit, unaffected by external judgments.

As the academic routine eased, leisure moments emerged, fostering camaraderie among friends and creating quintessential teenage experiences. My friends quietly guided me through this transformative year, their companionship alleviating the regrets that had plagued me for so long.

During this period, I was appointed as a school prefect, a distinction that made me ponder why I had been selected from among the Asrama's students. Nevertheless, despite this recognition, my life increasingly felt mundane, lacking the vibrancy I longed for.

The final stretch of my Asrama journey passed without noteworthy events. While communal activities and cooperative efforts were abundant, I intentionally avoided physical exertion, preferring to provide moral support from the sidelines. My heart had grown distant from the demands of the Asrama, a paradoxical disconnect from my surroundings.

As the end drew near, I found myself reflecting deeply, indulging in idle contemplation. A lack of meaningful engagement left me in a state of languor, surrendering to idleness. No significant events occurred because everything that did happen was fleeting, leaving no lasting impact. I abstained from pursuing anything new.

Year after year, the Asrama's climax centred around the presentation of the annual Asrama magazine, known as the "Pinang Raja." This eagerly awaited publication was distributed once a year to Asramas across Malaysia and displayed the previous year's PMR examination results.

When I saw my name among those who had achieved commendable distinctions, I couldn't help but feel a surge of pride. Although a year had passed since that significant moment, the euphoria of my outstanding performance remained vivid in my memory.

This was a moment of enduring significance, a treasure trove of memories that I knew I would cherish for years to come. The excitement that coursed through me was heightened by its immortalization in the pages of a modest yet meaningful magazine that had become inseparable from my life.

Time passed swiftly, and I eagerly awaited the end of the year, the beginning of a new chapter. Despite the seemingly monotonous routine of my life in the Asrama, I found solace in the consistency of my academic achievements, the only remedy for the challenges I faced.

Despite the discomfort I experienced during my time at the Asrama, there were moments of positivity that shone through. I focused on the connections I made with fellow students, allowing myself to engage with those who sought my company. While my preference for solitude persisted, I recognized the need for interactions that led to memories that would outlast my time at the Asrama.

Finally, the long-awaited end arrived—the last day of school. As I embarked on my journey home, I did so with immense relief and tranquillity. I was grateful for having navigated the trials of this academic period to a successful conclusion. The Asrama, too, was poised for change, as it was every year. Challenges would come and go, but my presence, in the same temporal continuum, remained constant.

I could never have imagined that my life in Form 4 would be so diverse, filled with moments of joy and moments of sadness. I grappled with a range of emotions, swinging between exuberance and despair, creating a sharp contrast to my experiences in Form 3. The previous year had been joyful, but this chapter in my life unfolded differently.

One of the significant differences this year was my increased openness to the Asrama's surroundings. This newfound receptivity made me susceptible to experiences that were different from my usual preferences. A paradoxical conflict arose, causing anxiety, lethargy, and ultimately frustration.

If only I had remained indifferent to the Asrama's surroundings, as I had done the previous year, I might have been spared this emotional turmoil. My life had revolved solely around my own goals, without room for external disruptions. My adolescent mind was too limited to accommodate ambitions beyond academic success, fearing that they would disrupt my carefully constructed world.

This was the gamble I had taken, a decision that left me dissatisfied with the life I had created for myself. So, I resolved to return to the contentment of my Form 3 mindset, undisturbed by the happenings around me.

With this intention firmly in my heart and mind, I chose to ignore trivial concerns about the Asrama's surroundings, so that my journey would remain focused on the ultimate goal: the upcoming SPM examination. I carried the mantle of perseverance, determined to prove to all doubters that my decision to extend my Asrama stay would eventually be rewarded.

Although I was clear in my own conviction, my ego remained the final hurdle to overcome. Despite being just an Asrama resident, with no obligations to anyone but myself, the need to prove myself remained strong.

In the present moment, I found myself searching for divine wisdom in the pages of a life that had perplexed me thus far. Surrendering to the will of Allah, I embarked on the final chapter of my Asrama journey, knowing that my heart's desire was within reach—an additional year within the Asrama's embrace.